Couple Stories: From Shanghai to NYC

Today we bring you the story of Wendy and Nolan!

Wendy and Nolan met on Tinder while they both lived in Shanghai, Wendy thinks it was her friend who swiped for her for fun (Thank you, friend!). Wendy already had a feeling on the first date, that Nolan would somehow be a big part of her life. They connected and created experiences and memories together, and later on, moved back to NYC for separate reasons.

Once after an amazing beach holiday together, Wendy was struggling with sun poisoning on the flight back home. It was then Nolan realized how much he loved her and that he couldn’t stand watching her in pain and would do anything to help her. And over time, Wendy just couldn’t imagine spending a future with anyone else but Nolan.

Nolan is from Wisconsin and Wendy inherits Chinese heritage, now they live in the US together with their beautiful children. FIFINONO had an interview with them to learn how cultural difference impacts their lives.

What perceptions did you have of their culture? Did they live up to it?

Wendy: Given that he grew up in Wisconsin, my initial perception was oh, here’s another white guy living the expat life in Shanghai he can’t do back home. But he was really different from the other white guys I’d met there – Nolan held true deep respect and appreciation for the Chinese culture, without exoticizing it. Other things like football is life and being able to eat pizza for every meal? Yeah he lived up to that.

Nolan: While we are cross-cultural in some regards, we did mostly grow up in the States. But I loved learning her perspective of China, her roots, her loves, her knowledge and later loved hearing from her parents on their stories and history.

Have you had arguments or misunderstandings due to cultural differences?

Wendy: Yes, especially around family expectations and obligations.

Nolan: Absolutely. Less arguments but many misunderstandings. Mostly due to what her parents expect out of a son in law. Something tells me this won’t change even over time.

Is there anything cultural your partner does that you like or dislike?

Wendy: Like – His optimism, that American-ness. I’m still striving for it. Dislike – His optimism…

Nolan: I like that she is aware of her cultural history and demands that to be a part of our kids’ lives.

Is there anything in your partner’s culture that you also have started doing?

Wendy: Willingly watching football, does that count?
Nolan: Taking off my shoes when I enter a home. Whether it’s our home or someone else’s, the shoes always come off!

What are some of the products that you didn’t know your partner uses?

Wendy: I don’t know if this counts but he takes a ton of various vitamins. When he did Ironmans…anti-chafing cream lol.
Nolan: I still barely know what products she uses.

ON FOOD
What food does your partner eat a lot from their culture?

Wendy: He has a bottomless pit for pizza (I know, which culture is that really from?) And also…he loves Mexican foods. That’s America for you!
Nolan: She could eat Chinese food for breakfast, lunch, & dinner 7 days a week. She’s more of a noodles fan than a rice fan.

What food do you love from your partner’s culture?

Wendy: The fatty parts of a good steak…all the junk food parts??
Nolan: Much of it! Dumplings, spicy food, fatty pork, etc.

What food from your partner’s culture is weird to you?

Wendy: The fact that so many meals don’t have a green vegetable or a soup. Feels incomplete to me!
Nolan: It’s not weird to me since I lived in for 6+ years but I don’t understand organs, cartilage, bones, etc.

Is there any food in your culture that’s similar to your partner’s?

Wendy: I really can’t think of any that will not disservice the food. Maybe fried chicken or fried pork chop? Does that count? 😀
Nolan: Noodles.

ON LANGUAGE
What cute phrases have you learned from your partner’s language?

Wendy: “You’re killing me smalls.”

Nolan: I claim to know “taxicab” Chinese, enough to get me around or get me in trouble. But the most fun phrases I know are “250” which is something that essentially translates into “institutionalized mental patient”. I’ve used those to make fun of myself over and over with local Chinese and always get a good laugh.

What are the words/phrases your partner always says in their language?

Wendy: “Correct”

Nolan: I don’t think I’ve noticed any, except when she is speaking to her parents.

ON ENTERTAINMENT

Do you listen to music from your partner’s culture? Do you have a favorite song?

Wendy: If you’re talking about what music we collectively like, it’s country! They’re all so cheesy but we still enjoy it. Pretty sure I learned English listening to it.
Nolan: While in China I enjoyed some of it and can recognize some songs that you heard over and over, but no particular favorite song, probably because I don’t know what any of the songs were about.

What festivals in your partner’s culture do you celebrate together?

Wendy: The American holidays…Thanksgiving and Christmas are big!
Nolan: We always celebrate CNY as a family with a big meal, lots of red and all family we can gather.

What children’s tales are important in your culture?

Wendy: The story of the son giving everyone else the bigger pear, the boy who cried wolf. I don’t necessarily agree with all of them but I know culturally, they’re important.

ON PARENTS
Have you met your partner’s parents? Did you have any concerns about meeting them?

Wendy: Yes; no concerns.

Nolan: Yes. I wasn’t expecting to meet W’s mom, but I did about a week before leaving Shanghai. I had just had minor surgery and had passed out from low blood sugar. Then about 30 minutes later I met her mom, with a big bandage on my head, totally unaware I was going to meet her! She looked at the bandage on my forehead, asked a question or two and then said “you really thought it was better to have that surgery here vs in NY?”

Did your partner’s parents do anything that surprised you?

Wendy: Not really anything they’ve done but I was surprised by how different his relationship is between his mom vs between his dad. With his mom, there is no filter and she’s the BIGGEST cheerleader. With his dad, it feels almost cordial but very friendly.
Nolan: They speak good English, but it surprised me when we were at the dinner table in their home in MA when they switched to Chinese and carried that on for some time, occasionally mentioning my name. I was (and usually still am) clueless as to what was really being talked about.

FINAL WORDS:

What is the best part of being in a cross-cultural relationship?

Wendy: As I said before, his eternal optimism. Being able to share my culture even more resolutely and feeling more Chinese for it. And now that we’re parents, a whole different school of thought on child-rearing.

Nolan: Living in China was challenging…language, pollution, cultural understanding, etc. and yet I lived life like my head was on a lazy susan, always checking things out and loved my time. I love that I found the love of my life when I wasn’t even looking for it, there in Shanghai. I’m not sure I’ve really answered the question so I guess I will say the best part of being in a cross-cultural relationship is my wife

Has this relationship changed you? How?

Wendy: I don’t think it’s changed me so much as it’s made me more assured in who I am. That could also be a natural result of growing up though.
Nolan: For sure. I’ve always considered myself open and accepting of other cultures but now I’m much more understanding of subtle issues in our society.

FIFINONO Notes:

Nolan and Wendy showed us that being in a cross-cultural relationship can make you more connected with your own culture. By sharing their heritage and culture with each other and educating their children of the two different worlds, they can each see their own culture more clearly, value and appreciate things that they may have overlooked or taken for granted.

Eventually, we have all become the ambassadors of our culture in our relationships!

FIFINONO Culture Learning:

Story of Kong Rong (孔融让梨):

Wendy mentioned a very important Chinese children’s tale, “Kong Rong giving up pears”. Kong Rong was a singer, scholar, and minor warlord who lived during the late Eastern Han dynasty of China. He was also a 20th generation descendant of Confucius. In the story, the four-year-old Kong Rong gave up the larger pears to his older and younger brothers. It is also in the Three Character Classic (三字经), a text used for elementary education since the Song dynasty. The story is educating children on the values of courtesy and fraternal love, which are extremely important in China.

Children’s tales reflect the important values of a society. What stories are important in your culture? And what values have they taught you as a kid??

Are you in a cross-cultural relationship? Would you like to share with us your stories, learnings, and tips? Would you like to have your couple sketching on our website?

Please email us at info@fifinono.com, we look forward to hearing from you!