FIFINONO – a blog about cultural exploration

Today we bring you the story of Denise and Furqan!

Denise and Furqan met on Match.com. Denise emailed Furqan first with a nice compliment and a wink. Furqan replied with a well thought out message and a follow-up “check-in” email a few days later (after not hearing back from Denise because she was on vacation). She finally responded, and the couple then set up their first evening stroll in North Beach.

After the first date, Denise and Furqan immediately fell into a pattern of seeing each other several times a week and because they turned out to live only a block away from one another. They also traveled the world together and showed each other how they could be true partners-in-crime without having to sacrifice their authenticity. Watching Denise taking care of everyone at her family events made Furqan fall for Denise even more. Before long, it became difficult to imagine a life without each other.

Furqan is from Pakistan and Denise is American-born Chinese, now they live in Richmond, California. FIFINONO had an interview with them to learn how cultural difference impacts their lives.

What perceptions did you have of their culture? Did they live up to it?

Furqan: I perceived the Chinese as being a tad focused on accumulating wealth and wanting to congregate with and marry within their own community / race. Denise is an anomaly and doesn’t live up to it. She’s not that caught up with money and has an open mind about marrying and making friends outside of her culture / community boundaries.

Denise: I used to think Pakistani men were extremely smart individuals with a tendency to speak their minds and express their heart-felt emotions without hesitation. Furqan has lived up to these perceptions for sure, haha.

Have you had arguments or misunderstandings due to cultural differences?

Furqan: Yes, Denise does seem to have a bit of the cultural programming around following the script of “get a job, buy a house or three, have a kid, get promoted, send kid to college, and die.” We seem to have a few arguments around it because I want to live a life that breaks free of the script and save up enough money to retire in a third world country and be free of the rat race.

Denise: Yes, plenty of arguments around how we define financial sercurity and family values. We grew up with very different family structures and am still learning how to enjoy life while still working towards our financial goals.

Is there anything cultural your partner does that you like or dislike?

Furqan: Yes, her family’s opinion seems to have a large influence on her. But she’s got a strong sense of family and loyalty which I also value. She also seems to have a humility and a lack of a “sense of entitlement” that I think is particular to her culture, which I appreciate.

Denise: I like that Furqan speaks his mind and is extremely loyal. I don’t like his need to feel responsible for a lot of my actions in life as I was brought up to be a very independent.

Is there anything in your partner’s culture that you also have started doing?

Furqan: Yes celebrating Chinese New Year and attending more family events than I’m used to.

Denise: Yes, being more cognizant of financial security.

What are some of the products that you didn’t know your partner uses?

Furqan: Denise is not big on products, she is pretty simple, washes her face and brushes her teeth every night as far as I can tell though, hah!

Johannes: Coconut oil in his hair and a container of water for each “long” visit to the bathroom. ?

ON FOOD
What food does your partner eat a lot from their culture?

Furqan: I wouldn’t say a lot but she likes this ‘monk food’ they make on Chinese New Years and it’s just not my thing. I need a lot of flavor in my food.
Denise: Meat, curries, chai.

What food do you love from your partner’s culture?

Furqan: Hup-to-ha (I’m totally butchering this but I like the deep fried shrimp with walnuts swimming in mayonnaise sauce). Clearly I am not that well acquainted with Chinese food. We usually go the same Chinese restaurant with her family and order the same things and that’s what I eat the most of.
Denise: Haleem, chai, naan, roti, lassi, chicken curries.

What food from your partner’s culture is weird to you? 

Furqan: The monk food for Chinese New Year.
Denise: Brain masala.

Is there any food in your culture that’s similar to your partner’s?

Furqan: No Chinese food is really bland compared to Indian food. The shrimp and walnuts thing is probably the closest thing to flavor but mostly that’s because of the mayo and deep fried shrimp.
Denise: Not really. My people’s food has wayyy less flavor and spices. 🙂

ON LANGUAGE
What cute phrases have you learned from your partner’s language?

Furqan: Hekadao – her grandpa would always complain about us “Hekadao”ing which means we eat on his dime and rush out the door. The Chinese version of dine and dash.

Denise: “Chollo” (let’s go) “Eee dah rao” (over here) “Yee Kya Yar” (what the hell)

What are the words/phrases your partner always says in their language?

Furqan: Ho-jo-n-jo move. She says this a lot, I think it means “taking the right action in completely the wrong circumstance.” Like being prudent when the occasion doesn’t call for prudence. Or saving money when it’s time to splurge. Something like that.

Denise: “Banchode”

ON ENTERTAINMENT

Do you listen to music from your partner’s culture? Do you have a favorite song?

Furqan: No sadly she is very white-washed. She doesn’t listen to songs from her culture.
Denise: There are some Sufi songs I enjoy listening to that are popular in his culture. I don’t have a favorite song.

What festivals in your partner’s culture do you celebrate together?

Furqan: Chinese New Year.
Denise: We don’t celebrate festivals in my partner’s culture. We have observed parts of Ramadan on occasion but that’s pretty much it.

What children’s tales are important in your culture?

Furqan: I actually can’t recall any children’s tales from our culture. The upbringing is very Islamic so there’s a lot of tales from the Quran which are similar to the Biblical tales

Denise: Tales around how to behave around Chinese New Year.

ON PARENTS
Have you met your partner’s parents? Did you have any concerns about meeting them?

Furqan: Yes way too many times at this point after 8 years of marriage. Ha ha. I had no idea what Chinese families were like so no, I was green as heck and I wasn’t that serious about the relationship when I met her parents so I was just kind of winging it at the time. I figured I’d be able to charm them into liking me.

Denise: Yes, I’ve met my partner’s parents. I had concerns around how they would perceive me being American and a bit “plain” compared to Pakistani women.

Did your partner’s parents do anything that surprised you?

Furqan: I could tell her mom was not super excited. I think her excitement level has nudged up slightly from baseline level after 8 years. Ha ha.
Denise: Yes, they welcomed me as if I were their own daughter since day one.

FINAL WORDS:

What is the best part of being in a cross-cultural relationship?

Furqan: Our kid is super cute. Mixed parents usually make good looking babies. Ha!

Denise: I’m constantly learning how to live outside of my comfort zone.

Has this relationship changed you? How?

Furqan: Yes, in many obvious and not-so-obvious ways I am sure it has. It’s domesticated and tamed me like the Fox in “The Little Prince” I think.
Denise: Yes. I’ve learned how to adapt to change a lot more and am more open to new experiences.

FIFINONO Notes:

Denise and Furqan is the first Chinese American Pakistani couple we have interviewed! It’s always fascinating to learn more about a new mix of cultures.
Financial habits and expectations are deeply rooted in our cultures, sometimes without us realizing it. Being with someone who holds different perspectives towards money is challenging, but it will also make us reflect on our own financial values. Each cross-cultural couple will find their own way. It’s no longer just defined by societal expectations, but what works best for them together.

FIFINONO Culture Learning:

Chinese Jai
What is this “Monk food” Furqan was talking about?
Buddha’s Delight (Lo Han Jai 罗汉斋) is a vegetarian dish well known in Chinese and Buddhist cuisine. In southern China, there is a tradition to serve this dish on the first day of the Chinese New Year. One theory says it’s derived from Buddhist practice and represents self-purification. Some people believe it brings good luck.
However, in FIFI’s hometown (Jinan, Shandong), we eat a lot A LOT of meat throughout Chinese New Year. See? the cultures within China are very different too!

Are you in a cross-cultural relationship? Would you like to share with us your stories, learnings, and tips? Would you like to have your couple sketching on our website?