FIFINONO – a blog about cultural exploration

Today we bring you the story of R and M!

Just like FIFI & NONO, R and M love story began with a rock-solid friendship. As M says, “this was not a love at first sight type of relationship.”

M and R first met through their mutual friends. It took more than two years before they started dating.  M was there for R when he needed a good listener throughout his breakup, and the attraction naturally grew stronger. R’s sweet personality also made it easy for M to fall in love with him. The friendship becomes the foundation of their over-a-decade relationship, and of course, M’s nice hair adds points!

R is from Jamaica and M inherited both American and Mexican cultures. FIFINONO had an interview with them to learn how cultural difference impacts their lives.

What perceptions did you have of their culture? Did they live up to it?

R:In a way she has two cultures: American and Mexican. My perception of California people was that they were too laid back, kinda soft. She’s def that. In terms of the Mexican side, I only had stereotypes from TV. She is nothing like those.

M: Honestly, I didn’t have any perceptions about his culture. Our mutual friend, Renee (she’s the one that introduced us), is also Jamaican. Before I met the two of them, I didn’t have much interaction with Jamaican culture.

Have you had arguments or misunderstanding due to cultural differences?

R: I would say yes. Jamaican men don’t really like being asked questions about every little thing, and it took a long time for her to adjust. Also Jamaicans are blunt, whereas Americans like to sugarcoat things or avoid confrontation. So I think I always come off more harsh than I intend.
M: Yes! The biggest one is when I ask him where he’s going, when he leaves the house. He has explained to me that you don’t normally ask people where they are going, etc. That’s been a hard one for me to accept and there are times when I still ask. I’m sure that’s a huge change for him.

Is there anything cultural your partner does that you like or dislike?

R: From the American side, I would say the kinds of TV programs she watches makes me roll my eyes. She also wastes food in a way that is distressing to someone who grew up poor in a third world country. From the Mexican side, the thing that sticks out is how long it takes to leave a family event. We’ll be saying bye for like an hour!

M: I wouldn’t say this is a dislike but it was something that I had to get used to. In my family, we normally open gifts on Christmas eve. In Jamaica, everyone normally opens gifts on Christmas afternoon/early evening. R did not explain this to me during our first trip. For me, Christmas eve is the big event but in Jamaica, it’s the actual holiday (which makes sense!).

Is there anything in your partner’s culture that you also have started doing?

R: : American side: adopted some cadence and slang, eg overusing “like,” saying “hella.” Eating out way more than I would have ordinarily. American popular culture, music and movies already dominates Western hemisphere so I dunno if consuming that is a result of the relationship. Mexican side: since I rarely go to Jamaica, I spend almost all holidays with her family, so I’ve adopted food traditions like tamales at Christmas time. I eat a TON more avocados now.
M: No, I don’t think I have picked up on any cultural norms.

What are some of the products that you didn’t know your partner uses?

R: American side: the comforter situation is funny. We don’t have heavy blankets in Jamaica. She uses one regardless of time of year/temperature. Mexican side: Taijin (spicy powder) on fruits was new to me. Also certain candies like cajeta I’d never heard of before.
M: Honestly, the one product that I’m still not used to is the hair wax that he uses from time to time. I always forget that I shouldn’t touch his hair when he has the wax in.

ON FOOD
What food does your partner eat a lot from their culture?

R: American side: Starbucks, McDonalds. Mexican side: EVERYTHING. Tacos, flautas, enchiladas, sopes, tamales, guacamole, pan dulce. Don’t know which side to put nachos on, but a lot of that.
M: Given that we live in the Bay Area, R has access to some delicious Jamaican food. He eats a lot of patties, curry goat, brown stew chicken, oxtail and so much more! We always have Chippies (banana chips), Excelsior crackers, and bun and cheese in the house. Those are his go to snacks. Also, he is a really good cook so I get to enjoy a lot of homemade Jamaican meals.

What food do you love from your partner’s culture?

R: American side: bacon, giant cookies. Mexican side: Everything, especially tacos, burritos, quesadillas, guacamole, pan dulce.
M: I love brown stew chicken, jerk chicken, and escoveitch. I’m also a huge fan of Jamaican Christmas cake.

What food from your partner’s culture is weird to you? 

R: American side doesn’t have weird dishes per se since I am a Westerner, but the portions are humongous and ridiculous. Oh and there’s cheese on everything! Mexican side: they eat every part of the cow including the brains, tongue, eyes, intestines. It is gross. Slightly funny that you must have beans with everything.
M: I wouldn’t say I am a picky eater but I don’t eat a lot of meat–no beef, no goat, not a huge fan of pork, etc. A lot of Latinos eat goat but I didn’t grow-up eating that animal. Curried goat is the meal you eat on Christmas morning so I usually skip the meat portion of the meal. I don’t think it’s weird that he eats goat but I’m not used to it being a regular dish.

Is there any food in your culture that’s similar to your partner’s?

R: Yes and no. Jamaica cooks a lot of the same ingredients, eg chicken, rice, beans, but they are seasoned and prepared in a very different way. All three cultures do eat avocado though.
M: I would say that the Latino/Mexican food I grew up with is very different from the Jamaican food I have here in the Bay Area and on our trips to Jamaica. Both cultures use a ton of spices and flavors but the dishes are unique.

ON LANGUAGE
What cute phrases have you learned from your partner’s language?

R: Jamaica and America both speak English, so not much new other than slang. Things like saying “lit” and “fam.” What’s funny is I speak Spanish but she doesn’t really. I like how her parents call me and her friends mijo and mija (literally “my son” or “my daughter”). It is very endearing.

M: R’s wedding ring is inscribed with the word ‘spoogie’ which is a term of endearment for your partner. Most of the phrase that R uses sound funny coming from me, as I don’t have the accent and my patois isn’t great at all! I’m not super comfortable speaking patois. I will say that R constantly trolls me because he is fluent in Spanish and I am not. Worst Latina ever–but not really.

What are the words/phrases your partner always says in their language?

R: Nothing really. Although she, like many Americans, loves to mock my accent.

M: Bumboclaat! Mi na know. My girl. Rass! Raaayyyyy! Also, R speaks the Queen’s English and I learned that very early on in our relationship 🙂

ON ENTERTAINMENT

Do you listen to music from your partner’s culture? Do you have a favorite song?

R: American side: yes, but before we ever met. Mexican side: I love La Chona, and El Sonidito (look it up on Youtube haha)
M: Yes! I love Jamaican music. We normally go to Jamaica every other Christmas and will always go to some type of Jamaican party. I would say we listen to Jamaican music regularly. R will put it on while we are cooking, hanging out at home, or driving. I think there are way too many songs to list.

What festivals in your partner’s culture do you celebrate together?

R: American side: Memorial Day, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Halloween. Mexican side: no festivals really, but I have been to a quinceañera. Mexicans celebrate everything in the same way: baptism, graduation, baby shower, birthday, it’s always a ton of food, a ton of beer.
M: We don’t celebrate any festivals from Jamaica.

What children’s tales are important in your culture?

R: We have a lot of fables, especially about Brother Anansi (the trickster spider).
M: Growing up, I would hear about La Llorona but that was because of my cousins in Texas. My parents mainly read to me all the usual suspects: Goldilocks, Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Hen, etc.

ON PARENTS
Have you met your partner’s parents? Did you have any concerns about meeting them?

R: I see my in-laws about 8-10x a year since 2009, whereas I’ve seen my parents 6x total since 2001. I didn’t have concerns; parents always love me. I am from a culture that is very respectful to elders, so I wouldn’t have done anything to offend.

M: Yes, I first met them back in 2011, after two and a half years of dating. We were making our first trip to Jamaica together. I was nervous! I remember I wasn’t too sure what to call his parents–do I use their first name, add a Mr. and Mrs.–so when I was with his sister, I told her “R said to call your parents their names.” She responded with something along the lines of ‘does he want you dead?’ I was very glad that I didn’t go along with his advice! To this day I still call them Mr. and Mrs. Roulston.

Did your partner’s parents do anything that surprised you?

R: It was a bit surprising how quickly they embraced me, like they’ve known me my whole life.
M: No, his parents have always been very kind and sweet to me.

FINAL WORDS:

What is the best part of being in a cross-cultural relationship?

R: It gives you a bigger menu of activities, food, and experiences to choose from. If I were with another Jamaican, I wouldn’t celebrate Thanksgiving or Fourth of July, for example.
M: The best part is the exposure to such a beautiful culture and country. I get to learn from him and see the world from a different perspective. My experience has not been his experience and I’m glad that I am able to have open dialog with him about our lives, fears, hopes, and challenges we both face.

Has this relationship changed you? How?

R: Sure. I think I now try to be more tactful. Because we spend so much time with her family, it’s made me appreciate mine a bit more. I was a bit of a loner before.
M: What a heavy loaded question–my answer is YES. This relationship has made me very much aware of what it is to be Black in this country, even more so in our current situation. I’ve realized how many little things, simple stuff, I take for granted.

FIFINONO Notes:

“Friends first and couple later” helped FIFINONO to develop the honesty and transparency we absolutely love in our relationship. And we definitely see that with R and M as well! There is a lot of difference between American, Jamaican, and Mexican culture. R will probably always be blunter, and M will keep her “extended goodbyes”, but with mutual respect and honest communication, any issues can be solved. And as the couple summarized so well, the relationship brings them a bigger menu of experiences, exposure to different perspectives, and open dialogs about their lives together.

FIFINONO Culture Learning:

Jamaicans around the world:

• Jamaica has around 3 million population;
• There are around 1.1 million Jamaicans in the US;
• There are around 800,000 Jamaicans in the UK;
• There are around 300,000 Jamaicans in Canada;

FIFI and NONO find this super interesting! How spread is your culture and ethnicity in the world?

Are you in a cross-cultural relationship? Would you like to share with us your stories, learnings, and tips? Would you like to have your couple sketching on our website?